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As gay fathers and lesbian mothers, how do we talk to our children about our families?
December, 2006
Friends of mine have a daughter of around seven or eight years old. It's an age when children hear an awful lot of information at school and from the press and other media and it gets harder and harder to control exactly what information they are exposed to. My friends are worried that one day their daughter will hear the word "lesbian" and will make the connection with her mothers and their lifestyle. They are wondering how they can introduce the word lesbian and the associated concepts to their daughter. My reaction is "How on earth is it possible that she isn't already familiar with it?" The explanation is simple, though a little difficult to come to terms with: unconsciously, these mothers have protected their daughter from the word "lesbian", avoiding using it in front of her. They have explained that some children have "two mothers", others have "two fathers" while others have "one father and one mother, only one father, or only one mother", but they have never used the words "lesbian", "gay" or heterosexual".
The sad thing is that the little girl has probably already come across the words "lesbian", "gay" or "queer" and that she will have heard them as insults. When she is old enough to understand them, she will have the painful experience of connecting these insults with her mothers. They will then have to have a long and complicated talk with her about prejudice, sexuality and how her family is structured, and they'll all suffer. It's much simpler to be up front about things and let our children hear us speculate about how Pepito must take after the donor, or talk to them about the tummy they grew inside – the wonderful woman who loved you a lot but who couldn't be your mommy.
In fact, I think we should discuss everything with our children, and let them hear us talk about anything and everything. Yes, everything; and yes, from the very beginning. Children build their self-image and their image of other people based on our attitudes and the stories we tell them about themselves and about their family. That's why they like us to talk about their origins, to tell them how and where they were born and what we did during the pregnancy, or how we adopted them and what we were thinking about on the plane as it took us to them. If, when they're four or five years old - or even worse, when they're thirteen - they suddenly find out something important about their background (such as the fact that there was an unknown man involved in their conception or that they're adopted etc.) the child is lost, the self-image is no longer valid and must be rebuilt. And, what's worse, the child realizes that we have lied to him, by omission or commission, and his trust in us is damaged. Who wants to have this kind of relationship with their children? I certainly don't.
Some people tell me that it isn't worth talking to our children about these things because they don't understand anyway. True. But nor do they understand when we talk about "cold", "fear", "fork" or "granddad". But they add the word, and with it the concept, to their world image as one more mystery to be solved as they grow up. Bit by bit, the context in which a word is used provides clues to the meaning and a personal understanding develops. "Donor" doesn't mean a man who ejaculates into a glass for money, but a good man who helps women have children, in the same way as a blood donor is a good person who helps sick people get better. The children will end up understanding that in some way they may look like this man because he helped to make them. Eventually, when they become adults, they will understand all the implications of genetic inheritance and the way sperm banks operate.
And their mothers won't have been re-inventing the wheel, but simply doing exactly what mothers and fathers have always done with their children. Children who grow up in heterosexual families don't automatically understand the process of sexual intercourse, conception and pregnancy, and nor do adopted children understand the process of adoption. But it's important that they realize that there is a process and that they know the words which define it from early on; firstly so that they can build up a true and coherent self-image and secondly so that there never comes a moment of revelation which destroys this image and the trust they have in their parents. Finally, it's important so they are able to laugh when people try to wound them with their homophobic distortions of the truth and so they can answer well-intentioned, though often unfortunately-phrased, comments that are made.
Lucía Moreno Velo is a lesbian mother, writer and founder of the Topka publishing house that publishes the Manu books, a series that shows, through natural situations, the day-to-day life of a little boy with two mothers. More about The Manu Series.
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